How to deal with a Narcissistic Mother In-law?

How to deal with a Narcissistic Mother In-law?

Many a times we meet people who will appear to be kind, gentle, fun, compassionate and loving. Even after a few meetings (like in the case of Arranged Marriages) one can never understand their personality or real motives. 

In the case of Arranged Marriages, the prospective bride or groom only gets to meet each others' families a few times before the wedding. While lost among the chaos created by shopping, relatives, functions, personal grooming sessions & simultaneously weaving dreams of a beautiful tomorrow, people usually overlook certain things that are like a warning sign from the guardian angels to warn about the havoc people are about to invite in their lives.

Some people pretend to be someone they aren't and many of us do not know how dangerous a mask can be. And the biggest support of a Narcissistic person is the mask thy keep wearing. Such people are everywhere – in our society, at our workplace, in our acquaintances and friend circle

Before moving ahead, let us just understand what does the word "Narcissistic" really mean?

It is basically a personality disorder, rather a mental disorder in which people have a magnified sense of self importance, a strong need to be admired and a complete lack of compassion for others. Studies say, behind this mask of ultra confidence, usually there is an extremely fragile self-esteem that is always vulnerable to the slightest of criticism. A narcissistic personality disorder causes problems in many areas of life, such as relationships, work, school or financial affairs. One may be generally unhappy and disappointed when they're not given the special favours or admiration they believe they deserve. Others may not enjoy being around them, and they may find their relationships fruitless.

When a girl marries a Narcissistic woman’s son, she does not even realize that she has stepped in hell because a NMIL (Narcissist Mother In-Law) is determined that she will rule you & make you unhappy. Many of these NMs have a close bond with their sons because they have psychologically played with the brains of their sons. This starts when the child was very young. The NM is stubborn, cruel and determined that she will forever possess her son and he cannot be shared with anyone, including his own wife.

The NMIL will always find faults with her DIL, talk about her in highly negative tones with other members of the family & that too in such a convincing way that turns them against the newly married DIL. The NMIL throws tantrums & tries her best and uses all of her craftiness and duplicity into her mission—to destroy this marriage. In some cases this works. The wife gives up as she has been isolated, insulted, lied about, tortured and abused. A NMIL may even phone her DIL’s workplace to destroy her reputation & will always sell lies about the poor young girl.

THE IMPACT OF A NARCISSISTIC MOTHER ON HER SONS:

The children of narcissistic mothers will be treated as:

1.  “Golden Child”,
2. ”The Scapegoat”, or 
3. “The Forgotten Child”. 

The Golden Child is usually believed to become a narcissist themselves. The Scapegoat is usually unsure & timid & The Forgotten Child may have the freedom to be themselves, and therefore the least ‘damaged'. Children of narcissistic parents have greater chances of becoming either narcissists, codependent, or have any other personality disorders.

How to deal with a NMIL:

Dealing with a narcissistic mother in law can be a frightening. Having a narcissistic mother in law can change your life completely. There are case studies where mother in law issues have ruined marriages and have often left a scar in the psyche of the affected. You can’t escape her if she is staying with you in the same house but you surely need not be a silent victim as well.

1. Differentiate between the difficult & Abnormal behaviour: Recognize that their behavior is abnormal, not merely “difficult.” In the initial days of a marriage, both parties need time to know each other. As a DIL, you have extra responsibility to win hearts and understand your new family & their expectations. MILs can be difficult at times but so can be a DIL but what you need to find out is if your MILs been behaving abnormal! A person with Narcissistic Personality Disorder thrives on the power play. A MIL with NPD –it’s always “her way or the highway.” If your MIL wants to control you & even your relationship with your husband, it might be an alarming sign. 
   
2. For a NMIL it is always about "HER": A NMIL is so self centred & self obsessed that she can not accept anything good in other people. She can not be happy if someone else is appreciated or is popular. Again a strong warning sign.
3. Set Boundaries: A narcissistic MIL will frequently overstep reasonable boundaries just to prove they can. Once you have understood the problem, try to handle it in a lighter way first. For example, a NMIL may suddenly ask you to stay with your parents for the weekend (to look loving & generous before your family) when in reality, you had plans with your husband - just you & him! Deny but Politely, remember, politely.
4. Mix up with her friends: Be nice, respectful & genuine with her friends so they do not buy what she sells about you behind your back. Make a point to greet the relatives on festivals & important occasions so you can maintain friendly terms with them and it won't be easy for her to isolate you. But do not ever talk negative about her.
5. Say no to Gas lighting yourself: They will always try to prove - there is something wrong with you. It is a well-known manipulation tactic of people with NPD that they will  try to dictate the reality to you. Don't let them destroy your confidence. Stay busy. Avoid communication as far as possible, giving them less chances of a direct attack.
6. Discuss Openly with your Spouse: Let your partner know, what all you have to deal with in his absence. Surely, it may not be accepted completely at the first step but a firm yet polite narration of events might help. Tell them how it is affecting your happiness, health & relationship with them.
7. Say No to NMIL's DRAMA: People with Narcissistic Disorder are good at creating drama. A NMIL will cry & tell her son how lonely she feels or how the DIL hates her & doesn't let her spend any time with her son! She will create scenes often to gain sympathy, make you apologize for things you never did and gain sadistic pleasures from your suffering because your tears & agony gives her a feeling of triumph. Stop being a victim, maintain distance & avoid being around when she's complaining about how you have stolen her son. Let her spend some quality time with her son. Once in a month, take her for an outing or send her with her son so she is happy & relieved.
8. Accept that you may have to cut ties and move on: Sometimes, the damage is beyond repair. If at any point, you feel you can not take any more, talk to your family (your parents, your In-laws, your husband) collectively and discuss the issue. Stop being guilty that you are not able to work it out as that is exactly what the NMIL wants you to feel. If things do not change, move to a different house with your husband.

And if in your case, your partner is a Golden Child turned Fresh Narcissistic, please move out ASAP because, "Bruises heal, but you don’t forget words and emotions, how an abuser makes you feel about yourself.

So smile, keep you head held high & move away from toxic people. Life is too short to cry over people who don't value you. And remember, A goodbye is always a sign that a new Hello awaits you.

#Love

Aditi Jain "Adaa"